What to say when you don’t know what to say
I’ve been staring at a blank post for weeks, wondering what to say.
I’m struggling right now, readers. I’m not quite sure how to describe what is going on in my head or my heart, but I can tell you that it has made it incredibly hard to type anything at all. That flashing cursor taunts my apathy and proves I have nothing relevant to say.
First off, blogs are a lot of work. I knew that when I started this up, but I also knew that writing will always be a part of me, and I wished to share it (even if it’s just with you Steph). When you already work 2 jobs and want to be involved in ministry, something inevitably gathers dust – hence, this post.
Second, the topics on my mind and heart are not easy for me to express right now, and those ideas crowd out all the room for other “easy” posts that would keep me consistent. I want to be transparent to my readers, which is another reason for the silence. It is incredibly hard to be honest and admit I’m struggling when the portrayal of perfection is rampant on social media.
I share this as an explanation, but also as a means of being genuine. Thank you so much for taking time to read and support me – that means so much to me, especially now.
In an effort to share my heart, I want to share some excerpts from my prayer journal. If nothing else, this may help some of you know you aren’t alone. For me, it helps me not live the lie that my life is perfect and I have it all together (pretty obvious, duh!).
…It’s hard fighting against myself, because serving You means a sacrifice that I’ve become to lazy and too comfortable to make. This vague anger and discontent I’ve been harboring are the fruits of my unsatisfied soul. …Unfulfilled longing rages through my soul like a wildfire, feeding on my withered hopes. I am adrift.”
Change me, because I can’t change myself. Move me when I have no motivation. Remind me of my freedom when I trap myself in with apathy. Hold me close when I push you away.”
Until next time, friends.